If you’re in public life, you need to learn how to apologize. Because you’re human, and at some point, you’re going to fall short of your own standards for yourself.
Do it quickly. Mean it. Then don’t be the first to try to move the conversation on. That’s how you survive a crisis of your own making. And if your mission and values are important enough? Then it’s worth learning how to apologize sincerely and as often as necessary for any behavior that might distract from achieving your goals.
Of course, it’s not that simple. If you did something in the first place, the chances are you may have felt justified in doing it at the time. So there has to be a shift. And sometimes, I imagine, there needs to be some therapy!
Modern discourse on so-called “cancel culture” dictates that saying sorry is a waste of time because the red lines have grown. The red lines around what is unforgivable. But the current Governor of New York, for example, Andrew Cuomo, just turned that all on its head by saying he wouldn’t “bow to cancel culture” and resign over his alleged sexual harassment of staff.
“Cancel culture,” I feel like, is an invention of the right, an evolution of “political correctness”, which was originally invented on the left, but exploited by the right as they saw it as a fissure. A way of dividing progressives against each other. And uniting moderates against those on the left. And they were right. Cuomo’s evocation of the term was a conscious play to the middle ground, shifting away from progressives. It was a ruthless effort to save his governorship. I think it’ll probably work.
Some people are saying there’s another word for cancel culture. Accountability. And I’m a fan of that, frankly. Governor Cuomo also did say sorry. He didn’t say it as quickly as he could have. And I don’t think he really meant it. But he did at least get there, 36 hours after the New York Times published the first round of allegations against him. That’s not to say he should survive. But strategic communication is about navigating life’s realities. It’s not always about our ideals.
Cuomo also knows that there will be people comparing his alleged behavior to that of Donald Trump. And finding his less objectionable. It’s not a talking point he can put out there, personally. But saying sorry opens the door for others to defend him. Public opinion is mainly decided by broad audiences, the majority of whom are persuadable. And the late restaurant critic A.A. Gill had a great phrase for the word “sorry.” He said, “there are, for instance, a dozen inflections of the word sorry. Only one of them means “I’m sorry.””
Trump almost never said sorry, of course.
When I say it, I try to mean it as much as possible. But I’m not perfect, either. And occasionally, if you’re having a hard time saying sorry, then it’s a good time to think about why. But you might want to just say it, anyway, and then get on with the conversation about how best to make amends.
I’d like us to have a deeper conversation more often about how everyone can behave better. And need to say sorry less. I’d like to think that in the future, public life might have higher standards. But for that, I think, you might want to go check out my yoga teaching practice. Because it requires a commitment to look a little deeper than surviving a few news cycles.
When Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
