I’m reading a lovely French book about a kimono artist in Japan. In it, the author describes watching an encounter between the kimono maker’s wife and a fishmonger. The fishmonger and the kimono maker’s wife keep using the Japanese word ‘Sumimasen’, which means ‘sorry’. It also means, ‘I apologize for disturbing you’. And ‘thank you’. And ‘excuse me’. In other words? It’s a catch-all word for apologizing for existing. Here’s the first four lines of their conversation:
Kimono maker’s wife: Sumimasen, come in, please.
Fishmonger: Sumimasen, sorry to disturb you.
Kimono maker’s wife: No, no. Sumimasen. It smells delicious.
Fishmonger: Sumimasen.
And it carries on like that. A bit like the way they used to punctuate telegrams with the word “STOP.” There are seven more “sumimasens” over the next few sentences 🤣
During my first job in public relations I was told, “never apologize when you’re walking into a room.” It struck me as extreme at the time. But the more I reflect on it, the cleverer it is. That’s because when you’re communicating you want to use your time strategically. You only really have a few words to make your point. And if you believe in body language, then the chances are that your audience may have already decided whether to listen to what you’re about to say, before you even talk. So. Don’t waste words on apology. Unless what you really came to say is “sorry”, in which case you might want to read my separate post on how to apologize!
There’s also a subtle wrinkle to my advice. In the fishmonger’s case, I get the sense that his “sumimasens” were actually quite clever, albeit not totally sincere. In a culture renowned for politeness, he was demonstrating a culturally shrewd level of self-apology to facilitate a business deal. Instead of saying “sorry” what he really meant was, “I’m here to sell you some fish, and I’m interrupting you at home, which is culturally quite forward, but still, would you like to buy some fish?” And once you strip away the surface “sorry” in most cultures, you get to the meaning underneath. Likewise, there’s a hilarious quote by the writer A.A.Gill saying the English have dozens of meanings for the word “sorry”, and only one of them means “sorry.” So, if I ever tell you sorry the chances are you may need a decoder. All this cultural norm stuff can tie us up in so many claustrophobic knots, though, can’t it?
Your self-apology is not always going to be a joy to explore. But when it comes to telling your story, I do encourage people to do it. Therapeutically there’s more to this and it goes deeper than how one communicates. There’s a chicken and egg thing to how we show up in the world and it starts with believing there’s a place for us and that we deserve respect and modeling our interaction as if we know it. Many of us don’t believe we belong. We feel we are impostors. On the other hand there’s a great article in this week’s Financial Times about the rise of the “chancer” in modern working life.
Where are you on the impostor / chancer spectrum?
Meanwhile, let’s just start here: How would it feel for you to be less apologetic, and to model that in the way you communicate? How might you prevent people being offended by your directness, or perhaps more importantly, would that be your responsibility to manage, or theirs? Cough. If you’re considering this question too deeply then there’s a good chance it’s theirs.
Meantime: Please accept my sincere “Sumimasen”, for interrupting your day. Wait. I take it back. Go get ’em, tiger 🐯 and give them your best POWER POSE!
Stop Apologizing for Existing!
