My most rewarding client relationships come from mutual trust. That means it helps to be authentic from the get-go, and it’s why You’ll Always Find Me in The Kitchen At Parties (Jonah Lewie, Top of the Pops, BBC,1978).
I’m not the guy in the living room doing the schmoozing. I’m the guy who likes to have discrete and authentic chats. Because chats, I find, are the best way to get to know people. They’re a low-pressure way of finding out what makes them tick. You don’t get to have chats at gala fundraisers. You get to have them afterwards. They’re the side conversations where you hear what’s going on, and what the challenges are. They’re where you scratch beneath the surface and get honest. They’re where I can bring my insight and experience to bear and be of some help.
This isn’t a new thing. As a journalist I used to find people would approach me in kitchens and give me the best stories. Outlandish stories. Things one would never have dreamed about hearing. Things I would often react to by saying, “are you sure you wanted to tell me that?!”
Such chats are not for everyone. I often spend a whole evening talking to three people. But I find those conversations far more nourishing than hours spent in small talk. For example, a now client opened a kitchen chat recently saying “the problem with nonprofits is all the b______t.”
And… now we’re working together. But you don’t hear a lot of that type of talk in people’s fundraising materials! We’re all quite nervous about saying the wrong thing in the wrong setting, and it can be paralyzing for real talk. In a sector rife with jargon and fear it’s so important to reduce what we’re doing to its essentials. And yet, there are perverse incentives not to be honest. Hence, the need for the chat. It’s an art. Zoom has helped. Getting away from those horrible claustrophobic offices with the bad carpet has helped. Kitchens have helped.
While we’re on the subject, if you’re not following this twitter account then you’re missing out. It’s a parody of things nonprofits say when we’re not saying anything. You’re welcome.
So. It all starts for me with an honest and straightforward chat. It might begin with talking about something completely different. I like to connect over mutual interests and gossip as much as I do over press hits. I’m fascinated by food. I’m fascinated by sports. I’m fascinated by fashion choices. I’m a student of literature. I love art. There are usually a lot of things I’m interested in talking about. During such chats I’m also often screening people for signs of self-awareness. If they might become a client, then I’m wondering a few things. How much insight do they have into the challenges they’re facing? How much perspective do they have on why they might not be getting the attention they would like?
How honest we’re prepared to be with ourselves can be a good sign of how ready we are to tackle challenges. The truth is, too, that a lot of us are so ground down by “fulfilling our missions” that we don’t have the energy for chatting. It can be a red flag, there, too. I say the people who don’t have time to chat don’t have time to change the world for the better. Because the personal is political, innit? And this is actually quite a small world we’re all working in. So it helps to have authentic relationships with your colleagues.
If I find the person intriguing, and they feel the same, then I might suggest we work on a quick trial project. It might be some media relations work or drafting some opinion pieces. It might be some capacity building work like helping them draft a strategy. It might be helping shepherd a team through getting more people to sign on to a newsletter. It might be mapping out the competition and trying to figure out where a voice is missing in public. I don’t mind. Whatever helps. As these conversations happen, I’ve learned to avoid looking too far into the future. And here’s why. The only way to figure out if I’m a good fit with you is to work together on something. We can talk in general terms about what you want to do in the next year or two. But if we want to get where you need to go, it helps if we can get you unstuck, now. And that means we need to eke out some quick wins that build your confidence and trust in my ability to deliver. Those conversations evolve quickest, I find, when we’ve found we enjoy chatting, first. So, it’s chicken and egg. And it’s why you’ll always find me in the kitchen, chatting, at parties.
If you feel the same then I hope to see you for a chat in a kitchen or elsewhere, soon!
