At times in my life, I’ve struggled with oversharing. Call it an anxious response to social interaction. It’s often born from a desire to foster authentic connections with people. But I like to bare my deepest embarrassments early on. I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t fun. Such…directness…helped me make a lot of good friends in various pubs in my native England. The hoots of laughter. The hilarity. I remember it all with fondness and I wouldn’t take back a single anecdote.
But. There comes a time when being so open with everybody doesn’t serve you so well. As I’ve got older, I’ve learned: You don’t owe anybody a full accounting of your life. Particularly not when you’re getting to know somebody. And it can be strategic to hold some things back for a good long while. It crosses over into working life.
When it comes to working with my strategic communications clients, there’s a name for this. I call it the “iceberg technique.” Nobody needs to hear about the parts of you beneath the surface. Better yet, you get to choose which parts to make visible.
As I’ve spent less time in pubs and more in boardrooms, I’m struck very often by the value of the “iceberg technique”. Think of a leader you admire. Think about the parts of their story they share often. Now, think of a leader you admire, whom you may have gotten to know on a deeper level. What parts of their story do they hold back at first, which surprised you when you heard them, later? And why do they choose to hold those back, do you think? How does it serve their mission?
This stuff isn’t lying. Even by omission. It’s about making strategic room for your story to influence the listener. It’s particularly helpful when navigating situations where your audience may hold onto prejudice. Let’s say you’re an Asian student going through the American college admissions process. You may choose to share more often that you’re social. That you’re “well-rounded.” You may choose to omit the fact that you’ve ever enjoyed chess. It’s sad that we live in a racist society. But hey. You want to get into college. Right?
Of course, I am committed to challenging prejudice, too. One thing worth noting about icebergs, for example, is that they’re white. But I pick such battles and advise my clients to do so, too, when it’s strategic. When it comes to passing legislation, moderates matter most. They’re the persuadable legislators who might choose to go your way, and not against you. So, if you’re going to meet with a moderate lawmaker, it helps to use the “iceberg technique”.
Think of the campaign for equal marriage focusing on couples in the South, denied the right to marry in church. The campaigners made a conscious choice about which stories to tell. It worked so well; it changed the culture.
Here’s an exercise.
- Think about what you want to achieve this year. Over the next five years.
- Think about the parts of your story that might help persuade people you deserve support.
- Think about the parts of your story that might alienate people who would otherwise support you.
- Which parts of your story do you plan to play up, more, now, as a result?
- What are things about your story that you’d prefer to hold back, longer, now?
That’s it. You’re now using the “iceberg technique.” It’s not complicated. I haven’t even trademarked it. But it can be very powerful in practice. The ICEBERG TECHNIQUE ™. Now I think about it, there’s probably a book proposal in there, somewhere. Meantime, let me know if you find the idea useful. I’m interested to hear about examples of when you’ve used it successfully. And I’m also interested to hear more about where you feel conflicted using it. That’s a conversation worth having, too.
