When you’re under stress, it changes how you communicate. The bad news is that most people need to be calmest when they’re most stressed. And very few of us indeed can be a second pair of eyes for ourselves, when we need them the most.
The quick version of this article is that if you’re aspiring to lead, you’ll need to think hard about how you communicate, and if the pressure’s on, it’s best to hire an expert coach to help navigate this stuff effectively, with less risk (we can chat!).
I’ve learned the hard way to let things sit for a beat before publishing or sending them out into the world. I’ve also learned to be insistent with my clients that if they’re saying anything at big moments, to do the same. At the very least, have a second pair of eyes. Have that be someone you trust—it could be me; it could be a colleague—and have them on speed dial or text. Run your thoughts and words past them in conversation before you post them. It could save your career.
I know a lot about writing in the red zone where things get murky. I worked at an alternative newspaper between 2006 and 2010 in Portland, Oregon. At the time, blogs were a source of traffic for the paper. My job was to report news stories and features for the paper version, which came out once a week. At the same time, I blogged two or three times a day. It was often a case of blogging from the hip. Some posts attracted a lot of engagement. Some didn’t.
Most of our commenters were brilliant. We had a couple of trolls, though. People who relished saying the thing that would tip you into reacting. I once used a bad word with one of them, which was an error in judgement. I got a…week off work…and a stern warning not to do it again. It was generous of my employers, who saw my value in bringing in web traffic, not to fire me. But: I learned my lesson. Don’t give in to the part of you that wants a bit of justice on the Internet.
In New Orleans I worked for a nonprofit investigative newsroom. The culture was different, and we published longer-form work less often. I didn’t face trolls on the website, but I was working in a more pressured environment. Much of my work centered on corruption at the Orleans Parish Sheriff’s Office, which runs the jail. My work drew the attention of people who preferred I focused elsewhere. They spent time and energy trying to discredit me. I had to learn to stay cool under pressure.
Still, everybody breaks, some time. That’s a key thing to learn, too. We all have a breaking point, and we all approach it in different ways. Do you know when you’re close to yours? Can you give yourself some time and grace, so you avoid saying something destructive, in that moment?
If not, you need to give this some thought and learn to do it. 2024 is an election year and things are going to be crazy. I trained to be a yoga teacher in 2019. I’m still very grateful for all the work we did on taking a deep breath. Now I work with nonprofits, foundations, and good causes. Most of us have an ideal tone of voice and a set of narratives we’re engaged in. But with the world the way it is, the temptation to react from a different place is constant. Leaders want to write things on Twitter like, “Hey, Supreme Court. WTF?!”
I don’t blame you. With the Middle East crisis in full swing there have been many WTF moments. Or Alabama judges saying IVF is “killing embryo people.” It’s natural to want to channel frustrations as part of showing your humanity. That can help engage people. It can also alienate key constituents if you don’t do it in a strategic way. It’s time for a second pair of eyes.
There is, of course, no substitute for training. If you’re stepping into a leadership role it’s worth doing some intentional work in this area. Lately I’ve enjoyed training people to “hold up” under hostile questioning. I use an Army Field Manual document listing “approved interrogation techniques” as the basis for our sessions. The goal of hostile questioning is often to get you rattled, to display emotion, and then lose your message discipline. This kind of training is particularly helpful for people who value authenticity in their tone of voice. At times, authenticity is very important and useful, yes. But when you want a bit of justice on the Internet? Diplomacy and tact, also known as biting your tongue, also have a key place in our communications.
—Matt Davis is a communications consultant and writer for a wide variety of clients. He also teaches yoga and lives with his wife and son in New York.
