It’s paralyzing to write about mental health, because who’s the audience? Everyone? It should be.
This is my website, so I can say whatever I want. Although obviously I’m wary of scaring off any future clients. But instead of second-guessing myself, I figured, actually, I’d rather have clients who think mental health matters, and who might turn into friends, than, you know, clients who sleep in coffins and drink bat’s blood before they show up for work each morning. I mean, we’ve all worked with enough people like that, to last a lifetime… 🧛🏻♂️🧟♀️
But the truth is, you’re going to say different things about this subject to your boss, your partner, and your friends down at the pub. Assuming you’ve still got any. Not kidding. Most of us lose touch with the friends we make in high school, college, our various workplaces, until in middle age, we’re all pretty lucky if there’s anyone we can confide in, with whom we don’t have a professional association, or some kind of blood or family relationship.
Worse still, that’s when people start…dying. I call it “burning the candle at both friends.”
Dark humor to cover up horrific reality of the mental health challenge facing many of us? Check.
The research, I’m afraid, is absolutely horrific, on this score. I’m talking about loneliness. If you do a google image search for “Men” + “Friends”, all you get are pictures of blokes going skydiving together, over the age of about 30. And I’ve never been skydiving with anyone, honestly. I’m not sure it’s worth it, just to have a person to talk to about my feelings. Particularly not if the parachute fails to open.
Still, in some ways, I’ve been lucky enough to move cities often enough that I’ve frequently arrived somewhere new and had to figure out how to convince people that I’m worth spending time with. I would like you to benefit from this knowledge.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
- You need new friends. Your old friends are great. Look them up. Ask them how they’re doing. Connect often. But to stay vital and engaged in your current setting, it’s important to have people whom you talk to, regularly, in a low-pressure way. Just asking them how they’re doing and maybe sharing the odd observation about life’s absurdities will do more for your mental health than anything.
- New York is the absolute hardest place to make friends I’ve ever lived, although I imagine that places like North Korea, Moscow, and probably, Devon, have their own sets of challenges. The truth is, every new place has new challenges, actually. I enjoyed reading a great book recently about a guy who moved to Moscow and had to make new friends. He started going to play ice hockey. But it took him months to meet anybody. And that’s not unusual. Meantime, it’s easy for those negative habits to creep in!
- Say “yes” to every social invitation. Even if the idea of getting out of bed and doing anything is absolutely terrifying. It’s amazing to me how the simple act of being somewhere with another person can change one’s brain chemistry. And even if it’s awful, staying in bed for four hours instead has never, not one single time, been the better option, for me.
- People are all scared to admit they’re lonely. Me included. And it feels weird if you get too needy to hang out with new people. It certainly doesn’t help the situation if you say, “I’m desperate for new friends,” because that makes people run away. So you have to lie, basically. And play it cool. It’s like being a teenager again. Once I realized that, I was like, “oh, great.”
- Making new friends is anxiety inducing. Am I cool enough? Do I like the right things? Is this person going to let me down? Are they a nutter*? Am I a nutter? Am I actually asking these questions out loud as I sit at the bus stop? If so, perhaps I should stop…or, maybe it might be worth making a few new friends?
- *It’s funny how many of us are quick to stigmatize mental health challenges in other people, isn’t it, by resorting to labels like “nutter”. I’m not a huge fan of the word, personally, but also, this is an actual thought I’ve often had, and to unpack it at length might require a lot of therapy and a whole new blog post.
- Alcoholics Anonymous is a great place to make new friends. It is a terrible place to start dating anyone. But a great place to make new friends. It does help if you’re an alcoholic. That’s a prerequisite for entry, actually, but…you know. In a pinch.
- Apart from skydiving, a lot of the other pictures of “men” and “friends” tend to feature alcohol. If you don’t drink, you have to be more creative. Although I’ve found it doesn’t generally help to start drinking again. See above bullet point.
- I like being a member of Civic Hall, New York’s home of civic tech. We have a weekly “what’s your week?” check-in where people talk about what they’re up to, as well as trivia nights. I hate trivia, but I like trivia nights. You know what I mean?
- Your partner’s friends are not your friends. I really like my partner’s friends and we socialize often, and I enjoy their company. But you’ve got to make your own. Don’t punk yourself on the friends front!
- It’s not exactly like being a teenager again. You can’t rely on a small group of people to fill every single friendship need. So actually, you need more friends. Friends you do exercise with. Friends you go to book club with. Friends you talk about TV with. Friends you work on crazy creative projects with. Friends you go to the Russian Baths with. Friends you talk to about your problems.
- Following someone on social media isn’t being their friend. Social media exploits our natural need for association and feeds on it. You’ve got to hang out with people in person. And stop giving so much time and attention to social media.
- If people make you feel shitty about yourself then you probably shouldn’t want to be their friend, after all. This one only took me about four decades to really master. And honestly I still have bad days on this score.
- If this is all overwhelming, and it’s overwhelming to me, and I’ve just written it, then no worries. I get it.
- Making new friends is by far the better option than depression, loneliness, and suicide, the leading killer of men under 40.
- Just because that statement sounds obvious, what is it about masculinity that makes many of us choose not to risk asking someone if they fancy having a chat?
Turns out, the issue of friendship and mental health is fascinating. Here’s more:
Men have no friends and women bear the burden. Melanie Hamlett in Harper’s Bazaar.
Are men really having a friendship crisis? Brittany Wong in Huffpost.
Men don’t need more friends. They might just need therapy. Richard Dorment, Men’s Health.
Why do many middle-aged men have absolutely no friends? And what toll does it take on our health? Mark Gaisford for the Daily Mail
Maybe we should have a chat about it, sometime? I’d be delighted.
